Now far be it for me
to get involved in "peevish wrangling" but I think I have
slightly more of a case than Lucy Honeychurch here. Her complaint was just
that she didn't have a view of the River Arno. Hmm. I don't have a
view of the River Arno. I don't have a view of a river. I
fact, I don't have a view. Unless you count a blast wall and a
generator as a view. We will come back to views at some point in the
future but today I want to talk about peevish wrangling. It may seem
peevish, or petty, but there is currently some deegree of consternation
and complaining regarding the food served at the two DFACs (Dining Facility) here.
It's hard to explain the importance of meals and mealtimes out here
but they do assume a disproportionate amount of
significance. Meals offer a chance to get out of the workplace, with
a small group of friends and relax for a while. The anticipation of
what may be served at the next meal is a topic of hot conversation. The
dissatisfaction with a bad meal may affect the rest of the days work.
Apart from the war, sleep and gym there is only food. Hopefully you
get it. (The importance, not the food)
Bear in mind the
original contract awarded to the caterers was based on providing "British
food". Obviously as time has passed the relative proportion of
nations here has changed, so a monthly Dining Forum Meeting was
instigated, at which representatives from all the nations put forward points. The
following are all genuine extracts from an email sent round after this
months meeting. They are all true but such a caricature...
The management began
the meeting by stating they were taking action to deal with the flies (good
luck with that!) and that approval had been granted to obtain fresh bread from
a local bakery so frozen bread would be phased out. All very
sensible and welcome. They also respectfully asked that when an
attack alarm sounds, people did not cock their weapons and assume firing
positions, but rather they left the building in an orderly process and returned
to their place of duty. To be fair, I see their point. The thought
of a hundred plus gung-ho Americans, cocking M16s and setting up defensive
positions around the hot plate and ice cream dispenser fills me with
dread. Worse still, I expect, would be the reaction from the
new-in-theatre and oh-so slightly paranoid, Mongolian Force Protection
detail, who eat their meals in full body armour and helmets with weapons slung,
regardless of threat levels.
Having thus set the
scene for a descent into farce, the meeting was opened to the floor...The
Italians complained that the pasta is overcooked, and they want the sauce mixed
in not served separately. They also complained about the quality of
cheese, ham and bacon, stating they want original parmesan not imitation.
The Germans have complained that the beef is overcooked and the potatoes are
uundercooked. The Australians asked for tub ice cream and for a
nutritional vegetarian option. Are none of these nations aware that
overdone pasta, underdone potatoes and no nutritional vegetarian options
is the epitome of "British food"? They are, to coin a
very apt, food related, phrase, getting exactly what it says on the tin.
The US, as ever, reinforced their national traits, by ignoring the
big picture and concentrating on the minutiae - they wanted the tomatoes cut
smaller (?) a better ratio of diet sodas and more ingredients in the soup
(?). To complete the farce, the British rep had only one comment.
He asked for more salad....
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